You’ve already read about eleventy billion tips on how to survive it (including posts here). However, apparently many aren’t reading them.
I’m truly amazed (maybe I’m clinging to some girlish naivete), how many ginormous/small/micro companies (and their employees) still treat their customers like an irritating distraction. So, based on my own experience, here’s a list for those folks who apparently DON’T want to survive.
1. Never, ever, under any circumstances answer your phone. And make sure you have a very long and detailed instructions message before anyone can do anything.
2. Make sure your voice mail box is a dead end. You’re not there? Too bad. They can call back on the main line. After all, you’ve got customers lined out the door, right?
3. Don’t ever check your email. After all, you’re busy trying to survive, right? And, you get all that spam. (Tip for those of you who’d actually like to survive: If you don’t have killer spam filters by now, get caught up…you can cut out about 99.99% of it.)
4. Make sure your web site is as user-unfriendly as possible. (”Download the 9-page rental application. Fill out and fax.”)
4.A. Bonus points if people have to spend time searching the site to find that form…more points if they have to keep digging for a phone number…then see #1 and #2 above.
5. Spend what’s left of your marketing budget on email blizzards. (I got a spam from DQ today for - appropriately - a blizzard. And, Saks still sends me junk. Now, how on earth can I be in the same target demographic for both belly bustin’ fast food and Saks 5th Avenue couture?)
6. Be too busy to answer a customer question. You’ve already got their money, whadda they gonna do?
7. Be very selective to whom you do talk. If they can’t give you business right now, what good are they? (Yes, and “they” could be best friends with the CEO of the company you’ve been chasing for months…or serve on a board with the community poobahs…or write a blog or column about customer service…)
7.A. Under no circumstances return the “little people’s” phone calls or emails.
8. Lie to your customer. Then tell her you never said it. Then claim “it’s not in the contract.” (Be sure and lose the contract when she first sends it to you. Then, never, ever have a copy handy for reference.)
9. Never apologize to anyone for anything. Always, always attack them, preferably in front of witnesses - it’s more fun that way. (You got their money already, whadda they gonna do? It’s not like they’ll tell others about you, right? Wrong. See #7 above.)
10. Always judge a book by the cover. If someone walks into your office, without an appointment, in ratty jeans and asks about your company…snub ‘em. You’re all dressed up in a suit, you’re important, you’re busy…and this guy can’t possibly have any money. (True story from one of my clients. Guy walks in. Had been snubbed by another firm. Two days later a check arrives from the guy for nearly $10K.)
11. Give all the responsibility for a customer experience to one person, preferably someone way down the food chain, who resents their “lowly” position. (Hey, I get it. I’ve been all up and down that chain and it’s hard. But, I’m funny. My parents raised me with this stupid, old-fashioned work ethic. Whatever you do - from a paper route to dish washing - you should do well. And, one of the happiest people I ever met was…a tow truck driver.)
12. Spend all your time kvetching about what you can’t do…how you can’t get any money…how the customers just aren’t spending…(Uh-huh. See #1-11.)
Related Posts:
Wellll, In This Economy
How To Survive The Economy (Quit Obsessing)
Duck and Cover Ain’t A Success Strategy
Tags: marketing, marketing troubleshooting, small business marketing, customer service, surviving the recession
Way back in the dark ages, I took Drivers Ed. Here in NM this meant taking the class when I was 14; getting my full-fledged license when I was 15. Nobody failed the class, yet saying we could drive was a very optimistic overstatement of our ability to (somehow) keep the car on the road. And parking? Yikes. My poor Mom nearly had at least two heart attacks (My Dad wouldn’t even ride with me.) But there we were - all freshly minted “drivers” - on the road with everyone else. 
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